In reviewing my boozy/druggy past, it makes me think that it is not at all unique. I remember all of the different people (kids really, at the time) that I used to get fucked up with, and I wonder how they are now. I have some more recent drinking buddies, but I am referring to my old getting-trashed-together pals. I wonder if any of them are sober now. I hope they are doing well. They were all, for the most part, really cool people.
So, this is a little depressing, but my mind is in the past and I thought I'd look back on some particularly horrible/humiliating circumstances of being way too far gone. I am trying to really connect reasons for drinking (doing all things really). So much of it was pretty mindless (on the surface) and I want to dig deeper to get into the thick of WHY. So, let's see.....
- Drinking often brought out my insecurities exponentially. I think I drank to let go of them but I would hit a point where they would explode inside of me. I was often a very insecure, paranoid girlfriend (as carefree, loving, and fun as I tried to be) and drinking made it worse. One night about many years ago with an ex-boyfriend, I had too much vodka and cranberry juice, brought out my insecure, paranoid ghosts, drunkenly accused him of liking another girl, and then threw up on his bedroom wall (not untentionally). It was pink from the juice. Lovely. I was on his bed and was cognizant enough to avoid the bed itself and instead chose the poor wall as my target. He was such a sweet guy and just cared for me and didn't get upset, though he had every right to. Just horrible.
- Along similar insecure/paranoid realms, while drinking excessively one night with my husband and our friends (several of us drinking a ton, only me getting hammered beyond belief however..), I again got extremely insecure (don't think any accusations went flying, just internal emotional wars), completely collapsed emotionally, and after arriving home, ended up vomiting ON our bed and on the floor and on myself (what was it with me and beds and puking, why was I never near a toilet?), my dear husband getting me into the shower and me just absolutely falling apart in there, naked and sobbing uncontrollably. Such sad drama. It was humiliating and my husband was so wonderful and gentle and good to me. One of the worst hangovers ever the following day.
- When I was maybe fifteen I got hammered on New Year's Eve and threw up into a box the household was going to be using for moving day. I think it was empty...I hope.
- Drank and did mushrooms at the beach once. Went to the boardwalk with my ex-boyfriend and had to lay down on a bench outside the kite shop. Saw a policeman and figured I'd better move away and somehow stumbled onto the beach and layed down. Hoped my ex would find me. It was nighttime and I don't remember how he located me, but thankfully he did. Very lucky nothing worse happened. Scary. Of course I threw up on the beach before leaving.
- This is the worst one but I have to get it out. Several months ago, a relative visited us to see the baby. We stayed up very late and I was drinking the entire time. Changed and fed my son once, possibly twice, throughout that night. Hardly felt anything even though I'd been drinking and I was completely sick with myself the following day, finding my behavior beyond unacceptable and dangerous. I had been completely and utterly depressed that night because of a very upsetting conversation about my dad and his death. At some point around 5am I was opening a beer without even realizing what I was doing. That was what I did at some point on really bad nights, just compulsively opened another drink after finishing the previous one. Hadn't gotten at all messed up really (thanks to my tolerance, I suppose), just a steady slow consumption. Horrible. That was the only time I did anything remotely close to dangerous since my baby has been born. Really depressed thinking about that. The depressive feelings were obviously no excuse. Just played a part.
Well, there are many more tales of horribleness I could bring up I'm sure, but those are the worst and most memorable for me right now. I shudder thinking of them and feel glad to not have anything resembling that at all these past weeks. I want to remain free. My depression and insecurity really seem to have played a huge part of why I drank. Going to think on that some more.
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