My History of Substances

Really into the Jason Vale book- his writing is sticking with me and sinking in. I am continuing to absorb the fact that alcohol is a  completely unnecessary part of life. I have a long history of escaping with substances..... Started when I was fourteen, drank, smoked cigarettes and smoked weed all in the same fateful night. Had an amazing (??) time and was totally hooked. Continued to do all three of those for years after. Went through an acid phase in high school. It was cheap and a long, long mind alteration. Ugh. Stopped that at college. Did mushrooms a few times.  Not a love connection. Smoked weed and cigarettes all through college, drinking too of course, but not to excess except here and there. Then one day I smoked weed and just had a moment of clarity, wherein I connected it to my often dreadfully overwhelming social anxiety. Had never realized the relationship (surely it was just me, not the precious weed!)...it was really a good day. Haven't done it since except once on a late night with a dear friend at the end of her bachelorette party. It was fine, but the anxiety crept it and I was glad to be done with it. Anyway, drinking began increasing toward the end of my smoking weed days and I believe I was substituting big time, exchanging one for another. The alcohol did not give me anxiety- pretty much the exact opposite, which I loved. It did make me extra-emotional when I drank too much, though. Embarrassingly so. But my drinking just kind of took on a life of its own. Basically drinking most every night. Not to excess (except certain occasions.......horrible), but steadily consuming alcohol. It weaved into my life and became entwined naturally, eerily naturally. I stopped smoking cigarettes for periods of time throughout all this, particularly after stopping weed, but every so often (always while drinking) I would get depressed and smoke. Hated that. Haven't smoked in a few months and do not want to at all. So yeah, drinking just became consistent and I felt worse about it but couldn't seem to stop. Tried to cut down many times but was unsuccessful. Blessed to get pregnant and of course drank absolutely nothing during and after pregnancy (not even coffee- ah!). Felt great and thought hmm, what if I just don't drink anymore? Of course, I did. My dad went way downhill in the second half of my pregnancy and the hell of that and his pain was a nightmare. Did not find acceptable ways of coping. Had to push through, then my son was born and after about a month or so, I drank here and there. Then, a bit more. Then more. Felt uncomfortable drinking during that time. Really just drank when he was asleep at night, but a few times earlier in the evening before he was fully "out" and also a few times out at family functions. Felt very guilty drinking in his presence, even when he was asleep because of course something could have happened and I would not have been fully sober. Not that I was wasted by any stretch, but you understand. And that brings me to when I decided to stop. I just felt I'd had enough. Through and through. So here I am...I dreamed I drank last night.....wine I think? But no drinking since 3/21. I like the date because it's like 3...2...1..blast off! To sobriety! Didn't plan that. Also, I write these posts on my phone and they are pretty stream of consciousness, so I'm sorry if they are hard to follow, or if there are typos or random words getting underlined. It's sunny and windy, a bright, crisp morning. I truly enjoy not counting days and just living, but for what it's worth, today is the beginning of Day 19.