Back and Forth

I don't want to end the night like that. I am a little better. My dog is napping next to me. My husband loves me. My baby sleeps in his room upstairs. I am tired. This night is almost over. I hate wishing for a day to end but I guess this is just how it is and how it will be sometimes. I am a little ashamed at my weakness and giving up/giving in-ness but I also find it completely understandable. I must empathize with myself. Does that sound insane? If I would have drank tonight I suspect I would have felt better, then worse, then I would have understood. This is hard. I don't want to stop drinking for the streak or the sake or anything other than I do not want to drink alcohol. I use it to cope and I always will if I let myself drink. And sometimes I think I will believe that is ok. Maybe it is, but for me it doesn't end there. It takes over. I am a little scared now. Am I powerless with alcohol or with grief? With both I guess. Fuck. It is never going to end. I cling to the windowsill. Ants scurry back and forth, all sober. Surely I can too.