Okay, so I have a true 30 days under my belt :). It's great. This morning I wondered aloud in the kitchen (to nobody) "am I really never going to drink again?", but it wasn't a sad or wistful wondering, it was a happy wondering, with an air of relief. Also an air of hope, as in, I hope I can do this. I think about my son and I just continue to believe that not drinking is a powerful choice as a parent and role model. I am hoping it will just become no big deal. It seems less like a big deal even now, after only 30 days. That is so encouraging!
For me, one just leads to another, to another, or at least it leads to *wanting* more, which is almost as depressing. I am not interested in moderation- been there, done that, didn't work. Here are some ways I tried moderating (all common and familiar to people, I'm sure):
- Drinking only after my son was asleep..........I was always uncomfortable drinking in his presence, but drinking after he was asleep was weird, too (not that it stopped me either way). When he inevitably woke up and I tended to him, I felt strange, as though I was lying to him because I wasn't fully "myself". Was never drunk in his presence, but this was absolutely not a nice feeling. Plus, who's to say that I wouldn't one day drink too much around him and be inebriated? This makes me shudder. It could happen.
- Drinking only on the weekends..............This didn't really work. It would stick for a week or two, then I would drink on Sunday evening, then maybe Tuesday, etc., then it was back to during the week for me! :(
- Drinking only "(insert type of alcohol)".................This one is so funny. Really, I'm a beer girl at heart. I began drinking wine because it somehow seemed less "unseemly" after I had our son. Wine is so romanticized and glamorized. So I thought, wine, yeah, I'll just have a glass...then of course, one became two. So I would switch to beer another session. Only one beer tonight. Then another because, hey, it's only two. By the end of the second, it's like whatever, anything goes. Also tried drinking mixed drinks every now and again. That never worked for me, just not my "thing". So it was back to my trusty "friends".
- Drinking "mindfully"..............This one is funny, too. I would have a glass of wine (or a beer) and try to enjoy each sip. Put it down between sips. Just relax with it. And it was great...but at the end I would realize two things: 1) I'd spent the entire time thinking about the alcohol (depressing), and 2) I still wanted more! Yikes.
Yeah, not a fun way to live. My brain malfunctions when I try to moderate. It doesn't get it. It just wants more. Even when I don't actually consume more, it's still almost always wanting more. It's like inching my way through hell. So, simply not drinking at all makes the most sense for me.
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